Uncategorized Archives - Parasol Wellness

This blog, as with every part of Parasol Wellness, is created as a team with articles authored by many of our therapists. We strongly believe that we're better together than we could ever be individually and this blog is perfect evidence of that. We hope you find some peace and inspiration here! Please don't hesitate to reach out with any requests or feedback- we'd love to hear from you!

September 21, 2020 by Parasol Wellness Collaborative Leave a Comment

It all comes out in the wash

A Shower Meditation Exercise for Rejuvenation

By: Leah Corder, MA LMFT

It’s been such a tough year for so many people. We’ve been berated with societal crisis after crisis, trickling down into our individual private lives. When you look around to see that almost everyone in your circle is struggling with their life in one way or another, it can be difficult to find respite and help. Despair can seep in.

But our track record for survival is 100%, and however things may be permanently changed when the dust settles- we are likely to be still standing. In the meantime, we have to focus on lessening the discomfort however we can. We have to fight the infection of despair actively, with a full arsenal. For many people, the skills they’ve used in the past are ineffective or insufficient for the struggles of today.

I propose letting it all come out in the wash. Something my grandma used to say, but I find it incredibly useful here. More specifically, I propose an intentional meditative shower exercise to rejuvenate your soul and replenish your strength.

I’d like to walk you through, to see if it can renew you.

You’re going to take a shower. Not your everyday shower, hurrying through with your mind elsewhere. This is going to be a very special shower and it starts with preparation. Take a moment to peek in your shower, make sure you have everything you need. Double check your razor- does the blade need replacing? Now to give your cleansing the highest honor, take out those scented bath supplies hiding in the back of your bathroom cabinet. If you are a woman, or if you live with one- you likely have a stockpile somewhere. Find your fluffiest towel, your favorite robe. Maybe even put on some music (calming tracks- there’s a Pandora station for that) or light some candles. Lock the door. Turn the water on nice and warm, notice the steam permeating the air.

Before you step in, take a moment to tune into your body and reflect on the state of your mind. Let yourself feel the pain, the exhaustion, the anxiety. I’m going to call this feeling The Hurt throughout this exercise, but the feeling is your own and it may have a different name. We’re about to wash this all away, but for this moment, let it be- knowing that The Hurt is evidence of your humanity, your capacity for love and hope.

Now ask yourself, how would I like to feel instead? This feeling, too, is your very own and could have any name. Maybe what you need right now is Strength. Maybe it’s called Peace. This is about setting your intention for your shower- when you leave the bathroom at the end of this exercise, you leave with this feeling solid in your heart. As you set your intention, take a moment to imagine yourself feeling the way you’d like to feel. Get excited about creating that feeling for yourself.

Now take a deep breath and step into the nice hot shower. Notice how the steam fills your lungs and hydrates even the insides of your nostrils. Feel the water on your skin, the goose bumps as they relax into the warmth. As you lather up, notice every little sensation along the way.

It’s time to scrub yourself clean. Wash The Hurt away. Imagine yourself covered in it. Know that Despair can seep in through the tiniest crevice, the smallest crack. Those vulnerabilities are made possible only by leaving The Hurt to fester. We must wash ourselves clean of this- so scrub vigorously, with special attention to the normally forgotten places (between every toe, behind your ears…). Focus intently on washing away The Hurt and allow your heart to say goodbye as it flows down the drain in a river of soft, fragrant suds. Know that right here, right now- you can allow yourself to feel whatever is coming up for you. The shower is an excellent place to sob openly. Sometimes our tears need to carry The Hurt out of our insides. This is part of our cleansing, let it be. Take as much time in this as you need, your intuition will tell you when you’re ready to move on.

And before you do- take a giant deep breath. Fill your lungs to the brim with steamy fragrant air. Let that air caress every space in your chest, scooping up any of The Hurt that has settled there. Exhale The Hurt along with the air made warm by your insides. Let it go. Wish it well, knowing it’s not gone forever but right now we intend to feel differently. It’s time to go about creating that feeling now, if you’re ready.

You’re going to nurture your tired body. Lovingly attend to shaving, conditioning, grooming- it’s time to take care of you. You’re in the shower with the bathroom door locked. No one is expecting anything of you right now, nothing is required but your attention to this task. Focus intently on it. Continue to notice every sensation. Take a little extra time to massage your scalp while washing your hair, to rub any residual tension from your sore shoulders. Feel the water running down your body and let it invigorate you. As you wash, scrub, shave, rinse- notice how your skin awakens under that touch and allow that feeling to permeate your body. Sit with that feeling for a moment. It’s nice, right? Take all the time you need. Soak it in.

When you’re ready, step from the shower- all clean and new- and dry yourself as you would an infant- with gentle loving pats and rubs. Hug yourself into the fluffy, thick towel. You’ve done well so far- be proud of yourself. You are clean and safe- in this moment, everything is all right.

Now it’s time for lotion. Let me guess- you usually skip this step in your hurried morning, don’t you? Today it makes all the difference. You’re going to lovingly and thoroughly lotion yourself, and by doing so- rub in your intention. Whatever it is you decided that you need to feel- give that feeling a home in your handful of lotion and spread it everywhere. Marinate in that feeling, rejoice in covering every last bit of your freshly washed and invigorated self. You can have it for now. You can create it in this moment. Allowing yourself to feel what you want to feel takes nothing away from anyone else, it costs nothing. It’s already yours.

You can take time here, if you wish, to continue the exercise through brushing your teeth, or any other grooming that comes to mind- giving extra time and space to the things you normally neglect doing for yourself. You likely have a face mask or two laying around somewhere, might that feel nice? Is it time to clip your nails, perhaps? Do so with clear intention to nurture yourself.

Now before you leave the bathroom, take another deep breath. Your attention and loving energy during this shower has sweetened the air and as you inhale, notice the feeling of your intention swelling in your heart. On your exhale, radiate gratitude for this moment that’s all your own.

I hope you walk through the rest of the day taller, stronger and more at peace. I hope this feeling lasts for you. And, as you find yourself muddied once again with pain- remember that it all comes out in the wash.

Namaste.

May 13, 2020 by Mel Koenen, LAMFT Leave a Comment

Thankfulness and Gratitude- Not Just for Thanksgiving, for your Relationship too!

By Mel Koenen, LAMFT

We know that gratitude changes the brain. Wait, you didn’t know that? Check out this article: Gratitude Alters Heart and Brain. FASCINATING stuff, am I right?

It is relatively easy to incorporate gratitude into your everyday life when you think about it for yourself. Sunsets, birds chirping, having enough food to eat are all things that are pretty easy to name. It often becomes much harder in a relationship with another person. After the honeymoon phase ends, those annoying attributes start to pop out. Like when you think to yourself, “I swear if they leave the dishes on the counter one more time…I may just kill them!” Then, before you know it all you can see is a rotten partner that never does anything to help out around the house and you are left wondering why you are in this relationship in the first place. There you are completely carrying the entire household on your back and what are they doing? NOTHING!

So how do we avoid even getting to that point? Thankfulness and gratitude. Time and time again I have had couples come in with the common argument of chores. The couples that notice the most improvement are able to successfully incorporate thankfulness and gratitude into their day to day life. I often ask couples when they see their partner doing a chore if they ever thank them or celebrate with them for accomplishing something? I get looks of bewilderment many times, “no, we don’t celebrate the dishes getting done. I shouldn’t have to thank them or celebrate that they did a required chore.” However, when we start celebrating those little things, soon you will feel a little bit better about those things that haven’t gotten done yet.

I will give you a personal example. When I was in grad school I was also working full-time, my husband was working full-time, and we worked opposite hours so needless to say the house was a disaster- and when I say disaster, I do mean it! I am talking no silverware or dishes left disaster. This was normal at that point because we were surviving not thriving ya’ll. My husband was picking up slack where he could, but some things just weren’t getting done. Now that I’m graduated things are much more consistent, but I would also be lying if I said that this hasn’t happened occasionally even now. However, I don’t think I ever once heard sarcasm from my husband when I did clean, “wow, glad you finally got around to those dishes” or “about time!” All I heard was, “honey, the kitchen looks great” or “great job on the dishes, honey!” What a relief it is to not be chastised for finally getting around to doing something! Verbal affirmations are important for me so I seek encouragement when I need it. All I really need to say is, “Look, did you see I did this?!” And of course, I am met with a “I did, great job!” I do the same things for him. Does all of this magically make me or him like doing mundane chores or house projects? Nope, we still hate them.

What does this change then? It changes our brains to seek out the positives about each other. It helps us assume good intentions when the other spouse forgets to do something or just doesn’t get around to it. Most importantly, when a passive aggressive comment accidentally does pop out somewhere in our relationship, it doesn’t immediately start a fight. What it does do is prompt curiosity about where that comment came from. It eases the startup of that conversation because our ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict are more balanced.

April 15, 2020 by Parasol Wellness Collaborative Leave a Comment

The Need to be Busy

By: Alex Schultz, MA, LPCC

Lately I’ve noticed amongst those on social media, as well as with myself at times, the need to be constantly busy or doing something. And in part that is because we are all doing our part to stay home and #flattenthecurve but there is more to it than just being cooped up at home.

That itchy, nasty, need to be busy, drive to be doing something is part of a trauma response. Naturally when a crisis/traumatic event occurs we are wanting to do something about it in some manner, we want a job, to feel useful and as if we are helping. Then either after the event has passed or in this case there really isn’t anything we can do, a helpless feeling can settle in. It’s uncomfortable feeling helpless, vulnerable and scary. So how do we avoid this? We get busy.

Perhaps its a productive busy, or maybe its a scattered productive where you have five different tasks going and very little progress on any. But this is our attempt to avoid that helpless feeling and feel like we are doing our part. Keep us distracted from our thoughts and feelings that sometimes spiral to the point of becoming unhealthy.

Much like at the start of COVID-19 in America, people rushed out to get toilet paper, bread, and other basics as a means of feeling that there is something they can control and not feel so helpless. It’s a defense mechanism that comes from the trauma response to control what we can while we can. And now that there is no need to stock up on necessities, we move on to other forms of being busy to try to cope and not feel what is so uncomfortable to us.

Now let’s move together out of this fear response and into something more sustainable and less energy depriving. Like Jenn had mentioned in her article, let’s start having grace with ourselves. Part of that is no longer avoiding the uncomfortable emotions and letting them show themselves. Learn from what you are feeling and what is specifically causing those emotions for you. Continue to look to what you can control if that is creating anxiety, think of ways that you can act that are healthy and beneficial to you and your emotions. Recognize that you are doing your best with what you have and the emotional space you have as well.

There are parts of you that are anxious, scared, worried, but there are also parts of you that are confident, brave, and grateful. Let’s recognize these parts and all the others, what they are doing for us, and thank them. Sit with these different parts and emotions, learn from them and what their purpose for being present is. To keep you safe? To keep you healthy? To keep you sane? There are countless purposes unique to each person for all of these emotions and feelings.

Meditate to help be in touch with yourself, or even just spend a few minutes with your morning coffee before you start your day to see how you are feeling, what your needs are for the day, and have empathy and compassion for your humanity. Be present with yourself as much as you are able, take a deep breath or five to bring yourself back to the present.

Have patience, compassion, and grace with yourself. And don’t worry if you aren’t learning something new, creating a side hustle, or whatever else it is that you are feeling pressured by society to do. It’s ok to celebrate that you made coffee today, or had the energy to shower. That’s part of having that compassion and grace with yourself. The house may be a

disaster, but the kids are healthy and fed – congrats to you Mama and/or Daddy, you had a successful day.

Just like the seasons change, winter to spring, to winter, to sudden summer (at least for us in MN that’s how it works) this will pass. We need to continue to grow grace, compassion, and patience with all the different parts of ourselves that make up who we are. Remember, you got this. You are strong, brave, courageous, caring, important, and loved.

April 13, 2020 by Parasol Wellness Collaborative 1 Comment

COVID 19- What Now? Fostering Healthy Parasympathetic Function

What Now?

By Leah D Corder, MA LMFT

We recently wrote about the trauma response to COVID 19 and why people seem to be more exhausted than usual, with a lower capacity for dealing with the day to day. Many found that post to be helpful and we wanted to loop back to discuss- what now? So we know that the collective stress is wreaking havoc on people’s nervous systems, keeping us in a more constant state of fight or flight and it’s also important to address how to best nurture healthy parasympathetic response (the body’s ability to calm and regulate).

As a refresher, your sympathetic nervous system is responsible for the anxiety response that many of us are experiencing and the subsequent exhaustion. The parasympathetic nervous system is responsible for chilling us out and bringing our body back to a neutral homeostasis. Both are important systems that are out of whack in many of us when there’s so much to be anxious about for such a relentlessly long period of time. It’s also worth noting that spending too much time hanging out with your sympathetic nervous system in a state of anxiety weakens the immune system and our ability to fight off COVID 19- so even if you’re not exceptionally worried about the feelings of anxiety, your immune system needs you to attend to the stress so it can go to war against COVID 19, should you become exposed.

Jenn Geryol talked in her earlier article Why Am I So Tired? About practicing grace- allowing yourself to feel how you feel without judgement. This is imperative. We know that when we are able to allow our feelings, we’re more quickly able to process along to find solutions. When we’re busy judging the emotions, we can’t also be focusing on how to resolve them. Therefore, it makes sense to have a first step of non-judgmentally noticing what’s going on in our bodies. Often times reminding ourselves to stop and breathe will provide this moment of clarity so we can move on to the next step- nurturance.

Much of what we know about regulating the parasympathetic nervous system comes down to your run of the mill, basic self-care strategies. Breathing exercises can be incredibly effective as well as frequent body scans where you practice releasing tension in your body wherever you find it. I find that square breathing is easiest for me to access no matter how dysregulated I feel- breathe in for a count of 5, hold for a count of 5, breathe out for 5 and hold for 5 before going around the square again and as many times as needed before some clarity comes. Additionally, taking a walk in nature, finding an excuse to giggle (or better yet- a full on belly laugh!), petting a dog, praying, practicing yoga, etc- all great ways to calm the body enough to help your natural balance to return. And, there are some strategies that can be employed right now that are maybe a little less common as well.

Diet:

Your diet plays a big part in your body’s ability to function optimally and the parasympathetic nervous system craves protein, B vitamins, and omega 3 fatty acids. Try incorporating protein into your diet more frequently throughout the day for sustained energy. Eat fatty fish, walnuts and avocado for fatty acids (and/or take a fish oil supplement). Increase your B vitamin consumption with whole grains and dark, leafy greens- but remember these are water soluble vitamins that get flushed out within hours if not used by the body, so eat them frequently throughout the day and/or consider supplementing. Additionally every organ and process in our body needs proper hydration to function optimally and the stress response process is no exception- drink plenty of water throughout the day to reclaim that negative cycle of dehydration causing stress on the body and stress on the body using up more of the water you’re putting in. Avoid caffeine and alcohol as both can upset the already delicate balancing act. Additionally, know that increased sympathetic nervous system activity (aka stress) makes digestion in general more difficult for your body- chew your food completely to give your body a helping hand.

Exercise:

Exercise gives your body an excellent opportunity to train in transitioning from sympathetic nervous system response back to parasympathetic, strengthening the process. Moderate aerobic exercise can strengthen the response of the parasympathetic nervous system and decrease your resting heart rate- walking or doing yoga just 30 min a day for at least 5 days/week is recommended. High intensity exercise also gives your body a chance to practice and strengthen the calming response.

Sensory:

Pay attention to sensory input. Literally everything you sense is processed through this nervous system. And, right now we know that our nervous systems could use a little bit of help regulating- so now is a good time to try out some aroma therapy, tidy up the house, dim the lights, or tuck in with a soft blanket while we work from home. Pay attention to what you’re sensing and do what you can to lovingly soften the blow to your nervous system. We’re able to control so much more of our environments than we recognize and taking control of what we can when the world feels out of control can be so soothing.

Gratitude:

Gratitude- if you’re reading this right now you have much to be grateful for. You’re living, breathing. You’re connected to information and resources via the internet. You most likely have a roof over your head and food in your belly. You’re learning, right now, about how to make yourself more comfortable. These are gifts. Allowing yourself to feel grateful expresses your parasympathetic nervous system response and will reduce anxiety, especially if this practice is cultivated as a habit over time. It’s real difficult for your sympathetic nervous system to justify freaking out in a fight or flight response when you’re feeding your brain with thoughts about how you’re safe right now.

Chanting:

Chanting or humming can help to activate your parasympathetic nervous system as well. The backbone of the whole system, the vagus nerve, runs down your ear and throat through your heart and into your internal organs. You can activate that vagus nerve by chanting or humming, bringing about a sense of peace and calm.

Tune in:

Trust your body. Your body knows what to do- so many of the processes that keep us alive and functioning throughout the day are happening without our awareness. As you’re reading this, your body is working to keep you healthy and alive. Spending some time reveling in the wonder of the intricate processes at work can be another great avenue for gratitude and can provide clarity around where you feel off in the body and what to do about it.

Once we’ve completed that crucial first step of nonjudgmentally noticing what’s going on inside of us, solutions are often just right around the corner. For example, I might notice that I’m having a disproportionate response to my kid’s fighting (aka- I’m yelling and freaking out over something inconsequential). If I breathe through it and get curious about my own response, I can admit that I am activated more than I’d like to be. I might notice that I’m carrying a ton of tension in my shoulders, neck and chest. There’s an obvious solution to that tension- yoga, some informal stretching, a walk, or even just progressive relaxation using that body scan I mentioned earlier. In taking that time to care for my muscles, I can reflect on factors that may have led to the disproportionate response to start with- I haven’t carved out much time and space for myself with my kids home all the time. There’s an obvious solution there, too, and my intuition would tell me to let the kids do their own thing for a bit so I can read a book or write a blog post. I might recognize that I feel sluggish in my gut and recall that I ate a ton of the kids’ Easter candy after they went to bed. Clear solution- lots of water and a salad for lunch today. Those solutions only become clear once I’ve removed the judgement and reflected on the sensations with curiosity. Once they come to me, though, what I’ve got is much more valuable than any self-care blog post- I’ve got direction right from the source and tailored to my unique needs.

It all comes out in the wash

Thankfulness and Gratitude- Not Just for Thanksgiving, for your Relationship too!

The Need to be Busy

COVID 19- What Now? Fostering Healthy Parasympathetic Function

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